despite trying very hard to cut myself away from u.. i can't help but feel sad tt i din even gt a simple msg frm u... do u know tt tis is my only wish?! to not be so easily forgotten.. to know tt u don't even bother hurts.. so much for all de wish come true....

sometimes i wonder... how can u be so hard hearted.. wad did i do to deserve all this.. de 2 people tt made a difference in my poly life actually hurt me so much.. i swear i would stop doing things that isn't worth the effort.. i reflected a lot.. is it me? what did i do or say to make all of u go away.. but at least next time, i will not and dare not rush into it.. going to be 5 mths already.. tt day is de same day as my pay day.. so difficult not to notice it.. i heard tt.. how long u love the person, u'll take de same time to forget him.. we were tog for 3 months.. bt it's already 5 mths and i still can't gt over u.. i may appear to be happy, enjoying myself.. but who will know wad i'm going through.. what i exactly feel.. so often i think bout u.. bout de things u said and do.. how much i wish i could go back to den... to tell u exactly how much i cherish u..
i know i have to continue working hard.. to get over u.. like how u did.. this r/s taught me a lot.. bt at de very least.. i do not wan to go through it again..

ytd was a special day to me.. i din realise tt it's ur 49th day too.. saw ur facebook profile.. my tears can't help bt fall.. i don't know why do i feel so emotional.. i just can't seem to control.. tho we are not very close.. i still rmb tt nite when i taught u a few thai so u could speak during ur trip.. i rmb everything tt we once shared.. if we know tt our time left with u is so short.. what would we do? would they still feel tt way? would they still be angry at u at times? u r the leader of the group.. u r decisive and spontaneous.. u r everything tt i'm not.. y did u choose tt way.. y did god take u away from us.. from de family who loved u.. from the frens tt nv told u they cared but they actually do..

sometimes we don't think tt our family loves us.. but when u're gone.. u cannot see what they will do for us.. i'm so glad tt i have a sister who really cares for me.. tho we do quarrel at times.. i can't imagine what is life without her.. i'm nt someone who could go round telling everyone tt i love them.. even to my family.. bt i really do.. i pray for their happiness and health all the time.. i can't lose any of them.. i know tt no one will see tis.. bt i love my family and friends who cared for me.. i will cherish and treasure all of u.. nevertheless.. i hope u'll be happy on the other side.. i believe ur sister will take care of ur parents and they will continue loving u forever.. u will always be in our hearts..

haven been hearing bout news bout u.. suddenly have the urge to call u and just listen to ur voice.. on de other hand.. it means tt u could actually reply me or txt me bt u din.. told myself to stop seeing ur profile.. stop seeking for news about u..
posted to a place i would die to be in 6 mths ago.. bt now.. it's just too near and too alone.. have to lunch by myself everyday.. makes me feel worse.. the area reminds me too much about u...
can't help but think... r u adapting well there? how's life and everything? have u been eating or sleeping well? r u fatter or fitter.. haha.. all sums up to... i miss u........

got my first pay! tho it seems like i've spent most of it earlier on.. bt i'm still excited haha.. treat frens to drinks de other time.. haven treat my family and another grp of close frens.. thinking of buying something for u.. (rational wise, i stop myself..) tots when tru my mind.. wad u need.. wad would b nice for u.. etc etc.. since i've been getting less n less news bout u.. prob i wun know wad u really wanted.. mayb if i shop around n c something tt i feel u might like.. i might buy n keep it.. perhaps.. just perhaps one day.. it might b able to gt to ur hands....

you don't have to be together to love tt person... even from afar, u could love him/her ur way.. wishing happiness for u..

my birthday coming.. my wish is de same as every year since it din really happen over my birthdays.. might have to spend a lonely one again.. nevertheless.. i wish for ur safety and happiness.. n till den.. i pray... tt u would rmb.... if nt i'll b super depressed.. i hope i could just not expect anything.. because expectations brings disappointment..

sometimes, it's not really good to go way out to find out the truth.. because the truth may hurt.. ignorance can be a blessing.. things that u don't know.. will nt be able to hurt u.........
*defence wall upupup*

i don't have de courage to love again...

one of my relative just passed away.. seems like this yr is really not a good 1 for me.. i hate to attend wakes.. i would gt all emotional when i c ppl cry.. oh my...
bt at least i know it's a relief for her.. she had been struggling for quite some time already.. tho we are not exactly close.. n i only gt to c her once a yr during new yr.. i'd like u to know tt i love ur pineapple tarts.. ur curry chicken.. ur place to gather during the new yr.. n simply.. i love u.. rest in peace and u'll definitely be missed by all of us.. no matter where u r.. i pray tt u will be happy..

exactly 4 months already.. been in a lousy mood today.. prob because i din slp well last nite..
every little thing u do can really affect me.. crap....
u seem close to tt ger.. i really don't know.. perhaps few wks later i will c a change in ur status.. we broke up quite some time already.. i know tt i'm in no position to even bother bout u.. bt i'm just so affected... i know i'm slapping myself in the face.. *ouch* keep doing things tt i keep telling myself not to.. in the end, i'm de only one suffering.. i should really train on my willpower..

it's time to let go rite? if i'm gonna b so affected, perhaps i should just stop seeing ur profile.. ignorance is bliss.. if i dun know anything i wun b affected already.. i'm just sooo exhausted.. i wanna let go.. learn to love myself n stop all this sufferings..

i saw tis in a show: couples do not say sorry to each other cuz u know tt u'll forgive each other no matter wad.. when u say sorry, it means u no longer love tt person.. i wonder how true it is.. i've heard too many sorries from u.. does it mean i've lost u forever?? i should bury everything deep down.. mayb few yrs later i could still savour the sweet memories tt we both share... it's time to let go isn't it.. it's de best way for the both of us.. i shouldn't bother who u r seeing, what u r doing.. i've stop myself frm msg-ing u ytd.. hope i can carry on.. perhaps i will msg u for de last time before u go in.... i still do and always will care for u....... i hope u could still see it..

cherish the people and relationships u have.. cuz u'll never know when u'll lose it.. n perhaps never get it back again.. going to be a month since u've crossed over.. although we are not very close friends, i still miss u.. no matter where u r.. i hope u're happy.. we will all miss u..... rest in peace my friend.....

sad day...

when all things fail.. does it mean tt no matter wad i do, it's not gonna work? sigh...
u're just like a drug to me.. the more i avoid, the harder the crave.. i wish u will be happy bt does it mean tt i can only remain unhappy?
u're de only one who would make me do all this things.. would u rmb de day 1 mth from now? for all de things i've done would u do just 1 for me? really wish u would do more den just a msg.. bt i'm so scared tt i don't even gt a msg.. mayb u wun even rmb.. just a picture would make tt day and de following day fall.. i tried restricting myself from looking at ur profile.. bt as i've said u're a drug to me.. bt when i see something, i feel so affected...
i know it's over.. bt i really haven't got over u..... i hate myself for being like tt.. when.. just when can i move on....... so sick of it already..
when i give i should not expect anything in return rite? my main aim is for u to be happy.. bt when i just give n give, u just take n take.. it's just so one sided... so tiring.. shld i be happy when i do such things? bt y din i feel the joy...
withdrawal symptoms.. when can i kick tis addiction..........

started work few days ago.. kinda hoped for the impossible.. and yes.. i'm right again.. nothing from u.. at all.. i guess it's not bout having good memory.. it's how much u care to rmb and send ur regards.. i don't have a good memory as well.. bt at least i care.. nothing good to kick start my first day.. bt i can say it had gone rather smoothly..

today is a crappy day.. how can u b late and still show me ur attitude.. thanks for "making" my day.. sigh.. i'm busy enough and not all are easy cases.. yet u could dilly dally and not help.. i don't know if u choose ur cases.. bt it happens tt u did only like 4-5 easy cases?! it's ok if i have to do it alone.. bt leave ur criticism aside can? u think i wan to do it slow? i'm no longer a student.. i have to b responsible for everything i do and pass.. i did like 6 projections and of cuz it takes time to check rite?! in de meanwhile u can help a bit rite? instead of rushing me.. ya i know.. welcome to the real world rite?? oh well.. guess i just need time to adapt.. sometimes u'll just meet crappy ppl.. in addition, de damn bus driver had to skip my stop when i'm exhausted and looking forward to go home.. besides, de nxt bus would be 20 mins away! there's a bus in front how could i flag it down rite?! he din even bother to stop behind tt bus.. changed lane n drove off.. wtf!!!
at times like tis... i really miss u a lot.. even if u don't say anything.. just a hug will do.. i yearn sooo much for ur hug.. it'll make all my troubles go away.. i miss de way u kiss my forehead.. i miss de way u smile.. simply.. i miss u.... tho i always try not to do anything for u.. i just can't help thinking.. planning.. de way to let u smile.. to earn a hug.. to let u noe tt i'm always around.. will de things i do ever touched u? or maybe everything is seriously one sided.. sigh..
i saw something.. i hope it's not wad i think it is.. de more i know the worse i felt.. i'd rather it was de reason u told me before.. pls.. pls.. pls... not so soon..... pls........

went for medical check ytd.. turns out to have thalassemia.. and wbc on the high.. so had to do a retest.. nth serious tho.. just hoped tt my wbc count would drop and everything would b fine..
hoped tt i could hear a word of concern from u.. bt it nv came.. am i expecting too much?

wasn't in de right mood ytd.. n couldn't find someone to go out for dessert with me.. so i decided to make 1 myself!! orea cheesecake! long time since i made 1 anyway.. haha.. it made me feel a little better..
did i ever promise u tt i would make it for u? i had de temptation to deliver a little surprise for u... bt i din.. i should stop myself from doing so much rite? as if it would make u turn back..

i just found out that the surprise call i had from a long-time-no-contact friend was a fraud!! in actual fact.. he did not call me.. n he's still overseas! freak... i talk to someone i think i don't know for like half an hour?! n he actually pei he wo and ans my ques in relation to my fren! omg... no wonder i find it so weird.. n now it's even weird-er cuz an unknown guy knows who i am.. and my house no! he better not call again.. tho i'm quite curious to find out who is he.. haha!

gonna start work tml.. a bit scared.. especially when i know tt de in charge have high expectations.. gonna start reading up a little later.. this few days keep dreaming bout work.. haha mayb my brain is revising with me through my dreams.. 1 thing sad tho.. have to wake up early tml.. hope i can slp tonite! always have insomnia on days like tis..

wanted to find a portal where i can present my tots freely.. perhaps remaining anonymous is the only way..

today is a really weird day..

1st:

my fren (someone whom let's just say we're not fated) who is supposed to be overseas and did not contact for quite some time.. gave me a surprise call, telling me he's in sg.. and he's single but doesn't seem so..we chatted for a while.. ended quite abruptly cuz he said he'll call me back.. but he never did..

ok i don't know wad tt's supposed to mean.. i think he changed his no too which means i can't contact him.. to me now.. he's just a fren.. hope we can catch up a little before he goes back.. =)

2nd:

my hr contacted me and told me i have to repeat my blood test! i assume that she doesn't know the reason thus i did not ask.. hmm.. really don't know wad's wrong.. n i'll hope for the best.. bt i certainly don't like to take injections! doesn't hurt like hell.. bt de feeling is just.. not nice..

and i know where i have to report to work on the first day of my working life.. back to a familiar place.. at least i know what to expect and the person there.. bt.. it's not a very good feeling either.. had a dream tt involved the in-charge of de place.. is it a sign.. scary.... prays tt everything goes well.... *pray hard*

3rd:

my ex actually took the initiative to chat with me on msn just now!! i'm really quite surprised.. tho he doesn't seem interested to carry on the chat so it just ended fast.. is he concerned bout me? bt then when i told him bout de blood test, his reply was just an oh.. sounds uninterested rite?! kinda disappointed..

i have lots to say to him.. but a side of me tells me that i should move on.. i shouldn't be clinging onto him.. i think i was trying too hard in the past.. i was hoping too much and each time i just got slammed back to reality.. this blog was set up so i can say wadever i feel like saying to u here..

i really missed u.... from the time we broke up.. i felt i lost my gravity.. i tried to keep myself busy, happy but all i think about when i wake up every morning is u.. i pray for u, pray for ur family.. i hope u'll b happy.. i hope u'll come back..

after the trip i was slammed really hard.. i can feel tt u're really over me.. perhaps it's all a mistake from the start.. am i just a substitute? i really hate to think tt way.. bt i can't help it.. from the attitude u gave me.. i really feel like crying.. can u see tt i'm just trying to show my concern? i'm just trying to gt some affection from u bt all i get was ice cold.. the wind was big.. it blew my heart cold... from the day we flew back.. i told myself to leave everything there.. to end it there and then.. sad to say.. i'm still trying.. stopping myself from chatting with u.. stopping myself frm sms-ing u.. sometimes i just can't control.. i wan to tell u my happy things.. my sad things.. and i still wanna know how u're doing..

when it's full moon, i just gaze at it.. and wish everything would change.. as i look at the stars, i'm reminded of ur words... of the times we spent star gazing.. i really missed those times.. the very gentle and swt part of u..

how r u doing there? are u happy? r u eating and sleeping well? when u're sad would u remember tt i'm still around to hear ur grouses? is ur happiness and sadness controlled by her? is she really the reason?

sometimes i'm thinking.. if i ignored u, would u be more interested to find out bout me? if i had done tt earlier, would u come back to me? i know i'm silly.. ppl in love is blind.. ppl out of love is dumb..

till now... i'm still haunted by tt day's image... and the pain still lingers... too scary.. too pain... rite now, i don't wanna experience it again.. i'm nt ready.. i'm really scared to hear words like tt again...